When Respect Dies, Is it really Dead?

What do you do when respect dies and buries the love that once was? And try as you might, each day you see another reason that rips the lingering shreds of respect you once felt.  Your fingers are numb from trying to hold on, your temper is frayed. You know you have now started contributing to the accelerated decay.

How can you find what you need to find when it seems there are fewer reasons, day by day, to give what was so easily earned once upon a time.

What do you do when respect dies? Can love exist without it?

Do you not know, have you forgotten – your world is but perception, your perception but filtered beliefs?

Filtered Beliefs: Impact on Love and Respect

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Respect and Beliefs: Q&A Clarifying Exercise

Q. Do I really believe you are dumb?
Ans. Of course not. I think you are more intelligent than I sometimes give you credit for. I think you mostly ignore my moods, my criticisms, my put-downs because:-

• you’d rather pretend all is well than have an argument
• you are more tolerant and forgiving than I am
• you can move on better than I can
• your sense of self is not easily diminished by my valuations

Q. Do I truly believe you are inept?
Ans: No. You only seem inept because there are some things I am better at than you.  And there are some things that you are better at than I. So no, I don’t believe you are inept.

Q. Do I believe you are less intelligent than I?
Ans: Yes, for sure.  But only in some things.  In other things, you are more intelligent.  Maybe in other more important things, you are much more intelligent than I am: emotional stability; kindness of thought; ability to sail on calmer waters.

Q. Do I believe you are lazy?
Ans: Yes, at times – many times, you do seem lazy.  But I know that some of those times, it is because you are not motivated.  And you are no longer driven.  So you are less active.  But in other things – things I don’t do, I hate doing, you can just get on with it and do.  So no, you are not lazy.  At most, you are not as driven by the same things as I am – the stress, and the goals.

Q. Do I believe you are selfish?
Ans. Yes, undoubtedly. But more often, I think it is because you don’t think. You don’t empathize.  Your brain is definitely lazy.  It stops within your comfort zone.  You are often like a child who does not think beyond your own needs, wants, and what is easiest for you.  But when something is pointed out to you, you have shown the ability to think of others the next time around.  Not always, but enough times to surprise and amaze me.

So are you selfish?  Yes, there are times when I do believe you ARE selfish.  You have thought it out and then you still manoeuvre  a way to get what YOU want.

But most times, it is just that you are thoughtless.  You do “selfish” things with no conception that your behaviour IS selfish.

Unfortunately, when I am selfish – I AM selfish.  I am fully aware and still I do it.  So in that sense, I am more selfish than you.  It may not appear so because I do it less than you, behaviourally.

Q. So do I believe you are still capable?
Ans. Yes. Of course.  In many many things, you are very capable.  I just have not been able to give you enough credit because I have been so angry.  And tired.

Q. Do I still believe you are intelligent?
Ans.  Yes, definitely.  Maybe if I could be as intelligent as you in the ways that really matter, I would not have felt so disappointed nor so angry.

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Current Beliefs: Impact on Respect and Love

I believe, you are:

• still my teacher in matters relating to the calmness of the spirit and heart are concerned
• much more tolerant a person than I am
• you are a very capable person but have lost motivation for things that used to matter to you
• not selfish but only less trained in thinking beyond yourself (though even that has changed much from when almost all of your thoughts were for yourself alone)
• responsible
• strong
• willing to endure
• patient in love
• willing and open to learn

And I am lucky to have you in my life.

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Sometimes, even when it does not seem likely, just writing things out – talking to yourself with your fingers, can provide more clarity and breakthrough than mulling things over (and over and over) in your mind.

One’s belief about anything seems so entrenched and so “right” when they rummage in your mind, buffeted by strong emotions. The very act of putting them down on paper (or on a web page) forces one to:

• not make continuous repetitions which the mind does very well and thereby create the illusion of righteous certainty
• question the validity of one’s thoughts and beliefs
• provide lucid answers
• re-evaluate the situation

… and the change in beliefs and emotions can follow. Or not.  But the result only comes from doing the ‘exercise’ of putting thoughts down in black and white.

While this method does not always bring about a desired breakthrough, it almost invariably brings about some kind of shift.  And sometimes that is what is most needed to get out of a rut where the emotions, with the aid of circuitous thoughts, have dug a very stymying hole.

Respect and love – two very separate emotions and yet can be tied inextricably together, are but emotions.  And while it seems that respect and love cannot be called into existence by will alone, yet they are shaped by what we think.  And what we think can form beliefs that give them the life or death of their existence.

While this exercise has moved this person on from being stymied in anger, resentment, and sorrow, it is to be acknowledged that not all issues are fully resolved.  The old resentments and emotive-laden memories still have a way of creeping in.  But in lesser extents.

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